Goodbye Forever 2013

I have been waiting for 2014 since January 1st 2013.

        2013 started off terribly and continued to be a year of disappointment, sadness, bad luck and bad timing.  

        This blog post is going to be very difficult for me to write, but I feel it will bring me closure.  

     I rung in 2013 sick with a very bad throat infection that ultimately resulted in an emergency tonsillectomy causing me to quit the show I was in two weeks before tech week (talk about disappointment; two months of rehearsal that amounted to nothing).  In January while I was recovering from my tonsil surgery I also re-dislocated my knee cap.  I missed almost a complete month of school (not consecutively) and got very behind on my studies.  

     

     In February my 16th birthday came along but I couldn't find joy in that either.  While everyone was having sweet sixteens I was in the middle of a mess that was just beginning. I discovered that my parents were planning to divorce but they hadn't told me yet. No, they would wait two more months of fighting and chaos to tell me.  Having that knowledge prematurely was my own personal hell.  I couldn't talk to either of my parents and the only person I felt I had in my life was my best friend Lydia.  

     Early Spring was filled with fear, confusion and worry.   Easter Day everything exploded.  I don't remember quite how I just remember a lot of crying, my father very emotionally unavailable told us that he and my mother were divorcing.  That night my mother, brother and I, emotionally vulnerable, hopped on a train to new york to seek refuge with my moms family.  I don't think I will ever be able to enjoy Easter day again.  

     The next months consisted of finding out the house I grew up in was going to have to be sold and we all had to move.  The fear of the unknown was what scared me the most.  Where were we going to live?  My mother still distraught and not really with it, my father pretty absent in my life.  For a while my aunt came down and lived with us, helping us pack up our house.

    This summer there were no vacations, my dad lived in DC for a new job, we had to look for a new house, I went to therapy weekly, I was depressed, I had to work to save my own money and still no theatre in my life.  I found jealousy every time I would go on Facebook and see beautiful vacation pictures.  I never even left the zip code.

   The fall things started to look a little promising.  I moved into a very cute house down the street from Lydia and Noah my two best friends!  I was offered the role of Olive in a SPARC production (which I had not done in forever) and I was enjoying my new job.  

    Transition is always hard.  It takes a lot of getting used to having your parents live apart.  My mom who had always been a stay-at-home mom got a job and suddenly wasn't always available anymore.  But I stuck it out and then got my license and could finally be more self sufficient.

   This winter has actually been very lovely. I love living near Noah and Lydia and Noah finally asked me to be his girlfriend.  After months of being miserable I am finally happy and coming out of my year long funk.

  I'm wishing everyone a very happy 2014.  I never could have imagined this as my life a year ago.  Life throws you curveballs and you just have to roll with them.

  God bless,
      Holly

Power to Create

    Being on winter break has reaffirmed that I am going to take a creative path in my life.

       School gets in my way.  I understand we need an education and a lot rides on where you go

to college.  But most times I feel that school shuts off my creativity.  Instead of being able

to film a video for my YouTube Channel (one of my passions), I have to study Ionic Bonds for Chemistry. It gets discouraging because I know that I am NOT going to be a Chemist when I 

grow up.  

       Now that it's been Winter Break I have already uploaded two new videos, filmed some with friends to be released later, worked on Photoshop Projects, created new jewelry designs with wire, and started a blog.  I NEVER would have been able to accomplish this had school been going on.  And you know what? I am much happier.  And you know what's surprising? I have more motivation.  I wake up in the mornings (at a reasonable hour, not at dawn) and I want to fill my day with productivity and things I actually enjoy doing.  

      I understand that life can't be all fun and games and that you do have to work very hard and make sacrifices.  But why is it that high school has to consume your whole life to the point where you have to dedicate 10+ hours a day to it?  I wake up at 5:45 get to school around 6:50 get out of school at 1:50, stay for rehearsal till 5:00 then go home and do homework till about 9:00.  Then I go to sleep and repeat the process.  Where does that leave room for self exploration?  No wonder why everyone in high school are always cranky.  We are busy to the point where we don't have any time to try new things. 

     I've heard that life gets so much better in college and after.  I am very excited to take a creative route and be able to study the things I have a passion for.  I wish my life could stay like this winter break forever.

    Never lose motivation for the things you really love.  If it's your dream, you can make it happen. 

Know that your Current Situation, 

is Not your Final Destination.

Namasté,

            Holly

Always Counting

      For a person who doesn't like math, I sure do an awful lot of counting!

    Let me explain.  I have this app on my phone, called Big Day Countdown, where I plug in a date that's important to me and it will either tell me how many days till the event or how many days it's been since the event.  I love this app.

    For example I love knowing that Tarzan (the musical I am in) is only 28 days away.  I love knowing that Noah (my boyfriend) and I have been together for 70 days.  I think in a way it brings me comfort.  Comfort in knowing that I have things to look forward too.  Or knowing that each day that goes by is meaningful in some way.

    People I know tease with me saying I know precisely how many days until each exciting event.  Every saturday at work the women always asked me how many more days until christmas... and I always had an answer.  "Ten" I'd say with a grin! "Three!" I'd say with even more excitement the next saturday.

    Looking deeper at this need, to keep track of the days, makes me realize that I am waiting.  Waiting for days that I build up to be something special in my head.  Like Christmas, my birthday, a party, opening night, etc.  But even though I know I'm waiting, I think looking at this app every night makes me reflect on the day I experienced.  Every day is different and every day passes by a little too quickly.  As the numbers dwindle down to the "Big Day", as the app calls it, that's just more time in my childhood whizzing past me.

   The future seems exciting, adventurous and a little scary.

"The clock is running.  Make the most of today.

Time waits for no man.  

Yesterday is history.  Tomorrow is a mystery. 

Today is a gift.  That's why it is called the Present."

Merry Christmas To All

   Merry Christmas TO ALL!! 

Family Joys

Christmas is filled with special joys,
And the very best of all
Is contemplating those dear to us,
And the memories we recall.

We often think at Christmas time
Of people, affectionately,
And we realize how blessed we are
To have you in our family.

(or, "To be in your family," or, "To be part of your family.")

(Poet - Joanna Fuchs)

               Well Christmas morning 2013 was a huge success!  And quite full of happiness and joy.  My favorite part of this morning was not receiving the gifts; but giving them.  Since I am now a working woman (which you will read more about) this was the first Christmas where I paid for all of my friends, family's and co-workers gifts entirely on my own.  How REWARDING!  Definitely a whole new experience for me this year.  Since I am now driving I was able to shop for my family members completely alone without any peeking eyes looking into my shopping cart.  Since all my gifts were a secret I was SO excited to see the reactions on their faces when the chaotic unwrapping ceased.  

                Why is it that the people you know best are sometimes the people who are hardest to shop for?  Well despite the difficulties I think I gave great gifts to my family that I hope they'll enjoy!

        Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas Morning filled with Family, Love, Joy and Peace!  

                         Love always,

                             Holly 

Traditions

     There is something about christmas time that always makes me think about family traditions.

    Traditions for my family around the holidays are very dysfunctional, but that's just who we are.  Very rarely do we gather with our extended family around the holidays because they all live in a far off place called New York City.  To me relatives are those people you see maybe twice a year and it's always a big deal.  And it's usually a lot of fun, at least from my P.O.V. But my big Italian New York family has a lot of problems.  As of now one of my aunts isn't speaking to my mother and that saddens me.  Getting back to my point my immediate family has always chosen christmas to be just us four. Mother, Father, Daughter, Brother and Dog (so i guess the 6 of us).  

     

     Every Christmas Eve we dress up and go to a fancy Italian restaurant to stuff our faces with deliciously creamy Italian food (since my mom doesn't really like to cook).   Then on the way home we drive around and look at the beautiful christmas lights.  After that we go home and open one present each.  It is always new pajamas from my mother so we can arrive in the living room the next morning in style.  Once we finally get tired enough we all go to sleep.  The way we structured the excitement Christmas morning was by establishing an order and going around and opening a present one by one.  Just the four of us.  Then once christmas has settled down, and we have tested out all of our new gifts, we all go see the hottest new movie in theaters.

    Are these traditions picture perfect like in the movies?  Do we have a big feast with dozens of loud family members? No.  But these were my family's traditions. And I will always look back at them with the fondest warmth in my heart.  

   Maybe one day I will have an even bigger family and Christmas will have new traditions. 

Being a Mother

             So for those of you who don't know me, my passion is Musical Theatre.  But trust me, you will be hearing plenty more about that later! Right now I am currently playing the role of "kala" in the stage version of Disney's Tarzan.  Kala is the female gorilla who at first loses her own baby and then discovers a new (but human) baby that she raises as her own.

              Playing this role has really made me reflect on family.  Specifically what it means to be a mother.  I have no experience of what it's like being a mother but I hope that one day I will.  One day faaaaar in the future, don't worry I'm still only 16.  I feel like it's only natural for girls to day dream about who they will marry, how many children they'll have, etc.   What fascinates me the most is when new mothers describe the feeling of instant unconditional love they have for their child.  My own mother tells me how when she first held me in her arms she felt like she had known me her whole life.

              I'm not really sure why I felt the need to blog about this tonight.  I guess I just really have being a mom on my mind.  I guess I am looking forward to having that unconditional love not only onstage but offstage...someday.

Christmas Cheer?

           SO... I was inspired by my good friend Catherine to start a blog.  I am all about trying to document my life through videos and photos, so why not dabble in the blogging world! Now whether I actually keep up with this... well only time will tell I suppose.

          Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and as usual the Christmas Cheer has me very excited! But this christmas has me feeling very mixed feelings.  This is the first christmas I will have with divorced parents and two separate home units.  Just writing that sentence felt strange.  Here I am about to be 17 and now my parents decide to split up? It still doesn't seem fair.  It makes me sad to realize that the old christmas traditions will never truly be the same despite both of their efforts to make it so.  When I look ahead to the future (something I am way too guilty of) it makes me sad to know that it will always be this way.  Sure it will get easier as time goes on but it will never go back to the old ways.  There is a part of me that feels the Christmas Cheer, but the other part of me is in mourning.  Mourning for the old days,when life was simpler and there was a Santa.